With A Gay Flip Of His Gay Bronze Gay Hair
by Dreaming Maya
Summary: Just so everyone is clear, I didn't want to imprint on Edward Cullen. I swear I have better taste in men! WARNING: Bad humour, overly-gay!Jacob slash yaoi oneshot JacobXEdward Jakeward


Hallo everyone! This is because I wanted to do an overly-gay Jacob, and Masih didn't want me to, so I was like, 'fine! But I'll write about it!' And also because people kept asking for updates on 'Here Boy!' and it's going to be at least ten days until I do that. So enjoy!

The title is a joke between me and Ookie (My twin sis). Oh, and I made Rachel Black a boy, sue me.

* * *

I am Jacob Black. I am an artist. I can feel and make sweet music (both kinds, babe), I can play any part in any play! Especially if it involves me kissing beautiful men, and knowing the girls in my school, half of them do. Faghags, the lot of them.

Yes, I'm gay, and plan to make myself an exotic and lovely harem of the most exotic and lovely men!

And Paul calls me flamboyant.

But back to _**me**_, as I run through Paul's front door, in my hot red tight pants, that look great on me, might I add, and get everyone's attention away from-

"YOU'RE PLAYING _KINGDOM HEARTS II WITHOUT ME!_" Those bitches! That's it! As their Alpha they are getting punished! I'm gonna make them eat something gross or something. Oh my god! And they're already half way! "I can't believe you people-"

"YOU BROKE THE FRONT DOOR!" Paul screams back. I mean, ouch, I need to hear, you know! I flip my silky black hair in his face – I practised move taught to me by my older sister, through sheer pain of blood, sweat and tears – and shrug in my special sexy way, that makes flowers and hearts appear. At least that's what I like to think.

"You don't matter!" And since he imprinted on my brother _as well _as being a dom in my pack, whatever I say goes. "Besides, it's just a bit bent. It's the lock that you need to fix." Because it is, like, you can hang a picture of a cat over it, no-one will care. Wait – that's for holes you punch in the walls …. Meh, at least he shuts up.

"Why are you here, Jake? I thought you were going to visit the leech-fucker." Quil points out. That's right, 'leech-lover' is a term for Gothic creepy emo chicks who love haemophilia, not my lovely ray of sunny shine, like Bells! She only wants to sleep with him! Wait – I got asked a question…

"I _was_ there!" I explain, then throw myself onto a beanbag that was probably occupied by Paul, but he's covering his face that _someone_ elbowed, so we'll never know!

"Jacob! You elbowed Paul in the face!" …Until Quil says that.

"He doesn't matter! Anyway;" I continue, because this is really important! "just so everyone is clear, I didn't _want_ to imprint on Edward Cullen. I swear I have better taste in men!" I say quickly, because we need to get it out there, so they don't over-react. Plus I really do have better taste. Really. If you're cute and male; call me. My number is 049-

"_**WHAT!**_" … How dare they interrupt me! Plus I'm clearly not getting through to them on the DO-NOT-PANIC bit. But I don't care!

… Okay I do, but only because I'm Alpha.

"Really, I didn't! I mean, I can't have an exotic and lovely harem if I only have a scrawny sparkly white guy in it! I usually have _much_ better taste in men-did he hear that?" I look around quickly; 'cuz he got that weird voodoo-mind-reading shit up his ass, so I'll have to be careful ….

I then look at my dear childhood friends,

(... Who I knew ever since my mother, – may she watch over me and have a good laugh – sent flyers out around the Res because I wasn't making friends at kindy, and their mothers were the only ones game enough to actually come over… then we drifted apart in grade six and then we were reunited by the wolves blood running through our veins… Ahh, it's almost poetic …. Fuck. I need better friends.)

and I find them staring at me like they did the time they saw me naked for that job I got as a nude model two years ago. Which was a mixture of horror, surprise and confusion.

… Which, now I think about it, is surprising since I'm HOT.

Maybe I should explain.

"You see," I start, trying to look professional. The boys copy my example and wait expectantly. "I was going to visit my BEST BUDDY IN THE WHOLE ENTIRE WORLD, A.K.A the leech-fucker Isabella Swan, when her boy-toy was over. Maybe it's the other way around, ANYWAY; he was there." I nod gravely as they gasp on cue. "Yeah, that's what I did, I thought about turning around, but really, a man who _sparkles in the sunlight_ wouldn't scare me! Well; not unless I didn't have my sunglasses, wouldn't want to be blinded," I grin as they laugh, and to all you emo chicks out there, we know your inner prep thinks it's funny. Besides – I was wearing my dad's old shades, so I was safe.

"Anyway, I went in, unannounced, but everyone except the sparkle-family loves me, so no worries there-" I get interrupted as the guys roll their eyes and _coff_ loudly. Glaring, I wait until they finished, before continuing.

"_Yet_ as soon as I go in, you assholes, I'm met with sparkle-boy. Lovely, right?" They nod and scoff. I've taught them so well! "Well it gets better, he tries and talks to me!

'H-hello Jacob Black ….'" I do my best '100-year-old-virgin-with-a-ten-foot-pole-up-his-ass' impression, so they can sort of visualise it in their heads a bit,

"Ohh! His face was all pinched up and he looked like he was going to puke!" I gush happily, and they applaud me for my awesome efforts, because we all love stepping on rock-hard blood-sucker toes; it comes with the whole, 'we-can-turn-into-one-hundred-feet-of-pure-furry-muscle-and-that-makes-us-awesomer-then-you' thing. "'Time for some fun,' I thought, I mean, come on, it would have been fun, at least, _that's how it was supposed to go_, but my life hates me because I kept fucking it." I pause, and look at Embry pointedly. He gets it, and swoons,

"Eff emm eeell …." He groans, and I nod, because he's right on the money; _FML;_ _fuck my life_.

"So I go,

'Oh, Ed ….' But that just won't do!" I cut myself off, because I know I'll cry soon. "A-and then …." I take a loud gasping breath and wait for them all to lean in closer. "I IMPRINT ON HIM!" I screeched, and their lovely wolf hearing has them jumping back or scrambling away. Jared speaks first.

"Dammit Jacob! Don't yell!" I am _severely_ miffed that's all I get for my important story, until Paul kicks me in the face, and I hear my nose crack.

"Jacob!" He yells, and I'm a bit too busy making sure my face won't heal wrong, "When you came out of the closet, two years ago, in front of the T.V with the most _important_ part of the big game on," Hmm, I'm worried about myself; I'm getting too used to my pretty – hell, gorgeous – face being injured, I should protect my assets more… Plus I'm getting blood on Paul's carpet. "we expected you to make the right choices in life," Meh, he deserves it. Plus his carpet is gross anyway. "BUT NOW YOU'VE IMPRINTED ON A LEECH! ARE YOU RETARDED?" He huffs and sits down. We sit in silence for a while. My face is all better though; nothing like a ten-second broken nose to clear the mind. And sinuses.

"Well; now we know you won't be getting laid for a while." Quil says. I gasp.

"WHAT!" I start panicking, because, come on, I'm a sixteen year old guy, I _need_ to get laid! But I make myself calm down, because I'm the cool, collected and leadering alpha guy too. "Look guys, is it the whole 'he's probably a virgin' thing? Because I'd totally pop his back cherry." I say, and by the grossed-out looks I get, I say I'm right. Except Quil.

"No," Oh! He's not grossed out; he's always known I was gay, I love that guy~! If he wasn't waiting for Clive to grow up; I'd totally sleep with him. "He ain't got blood; how's he supposed to ….?"

Oh my god.

"NOOO!" I howled. This is a catastrophe! I really won't get laid! THIS IS THE FUCKING APOCOLYPSE! "I SWEAR TO GOD, I'LL –" And like the little innocent submissive he is; Seth pops his head in. "Hiya Seth; didn't see you come in." I say, nice and nonchalantly, because I can save myself that quickly. But Seth grins and hops in, because he's only thirteen and he doesn't need to hear about my now… non-exist love life. Crap.

"Hi everyone; I wanted to bring some food my mum made – Jake; why are you crying? Do you have a real bad tummy bug?" I will never get laid again; it's already been three days and counting- "Do you want a hug?" SETH HUG!

"YES!" Ahh… it doesn't matter if I'm never getting laid again; Seth hasn't even had the birds and the bees talk yet, plus his hug-face is like 'X3' and he's so cute! "Seth… I'm sorta glad my man-whore ways are now interrupted by imprinting on a mozzie, that way we can watch more Disney classics together." I feel Seth giggle into my shoulder… or somewhere around my shoulder, he's too lanky to pinpoint. Hang on a minute … who cares if he can't get it up? I'll be topping _him_, I don't care how gay I act! I'm taller, hotter, less-emo, hotter, more built and hotter then he is! Total pitcher!

"I'd like that, Jake." He says, and it takes me a while to remember what the fuck he's talking about. I can hear the other boys sniggering; whatever, they know that when Seth's in the room, they're ignored in favour of the cute boy. Plus they're jealous Seth loves me more, bitches.

"Okay, lovers moment over, boys, pack meeting." I spin around and see Sam, all nonchalantness as he leans through the doorway. Boo; I hate pack meetings, no-one listens to me anyway.

"Get out, you perv! Seth an' me are havin' some quality time together; you can start without us." I brush them off, because Leah will join us and I'll get both Clearwater's all for me! Except Leah is a scary bitch … nurr, just Seth then.

"No, Jacob, you've imprinted on our enemies, therefore, pack. Meeting." He says. I sigh, because Sam might give me this huge lecture and ban me from stepping foot outside my room, and then I'll never see Edward! … It's the sparkles I'll miss the most.

"… Fine." Oh I am so whipped.

Oh, hey, I might miss his ass too. Edward has a nice ass.

–

Worst. Pack. Meeting. _Ever._ I am so bored; and Sam's all -

"Blah, blah, mortal enemies, blah, blah, Jacob's a stupid dumb homo whore, blah, blah, boss boss boss, blah, blah-" Okay, it's really bad that I _just_ realised I was talking out loud. Sam doesn't look amused; but I know everyone else thinks it's pretty funny.

"Jacob; I'm serious, this is dangerous, we don't know how this could turn out." He says, though the effect is less intimidating, as behind him the boys are trying not to laugh. Even Leah is smiling.

"But _Saaam_!" I whine, stretched out in my seat so my arms and upper torso reach across the table, "I can't _help_ it! You of all people know that!" I simply blink as he flinches, and Leah's smile disappears. "Get over it." I mutter, looking out the window. I suppose this isn't time for fun and games. "I'll stay away from Edward for however long you can stay away from Emily." I say and I can tell Sam is about to disagree, and quickly turn to my pack.

"Raise your hand if you think that's fair! Majority rules!" I yell, and only Seth and Paul don't raise their hands. I raise an eyebrow at them. Seth isn't actually paying any attention; and Paul shrugs.

"I want to see you suffer alone, man." He says, and in a really cruel, mean way, I sort of understand.

"You're a bitch Paul and I hate you." Just because I understand doesn't mean I have to admit it. Or forgive him. Plus he's a hypocrite. "I'm telling my big brother you said that." Hah! Right in the the imprint! Paul looks rightfully pissed.

"Hey! No fair! You bitch! I bet you couldn't even tell the leech you imprinted on him!" Paul shoots back; and I'm absolutely fucking mad.

"HOW DARE YOU! I can _so_ tell Edward! In fact, I will! Right now!" I spin around and point to Sam, who had gotten up out of his seat, "You can't stop me! No-one is allowed to; Alpha rules~! Meeting adjoined!" I snap, then run out the door.

That'll teach them! They are all my bitches!

–

I DON'T WANNA DO THIS!

Ohh! I can't do it! If I tell Edward I've imprinted on him; he'll kill me! That's why I'm walking in a circle; so before you ask, yes I do know I am, and why. Edward will either tell me to go away; and I will! Or he'll rip my head off! Either way will be the death of me! And either _head_ will kill me too.

Hey – I need to get laid, I'm sixteen!

"Oi, mutt, why are you here?" I jump when I hear a vampire's voice. I spin around and see … fuck, it's Edward. "I'm so pleased you're glad to see me." Oh yeah; it's like a horny party in my fucking tight pants. "Umm … moving far away from your pants region, Jacob, why are you here?" 'Pants region' that wasn't even fucking funny, my pants aren't a country!

"Well …." I say, but I don't plan on saying anymore. So we wait for a while. And I think – no! I don't think, then he can't hear me! But he looks nice … _very_ nice … someone should tell him to watch out for the big bad wolf ….

God, that was bad. That was really bad.

"Jacob finish your sentence." Even _I_ could tell Edward was getting annoyed. Not that I wouldn't have been able to normally, I mean, his left eye twitching was a dead give away!

"I've imprinted." I said, because I have. He looks shocked; I don't blame him; I was shocked too.

"What! On who!" Jeez … he doesn't have to yell! It's not _that_ surprising!

"You!" I yell back in the same tone. He looks stunned. _I did it! Take that Paul, you bitch!_ "Okay! Now that that's all said and done; time to go!" Okay, I'm not _running away_, it's a _hasty retreat_, get it right.

–

I love my pack. I love the way they understand and accept my gayness; and how cute Seth is, and how scary Leah is, and how bossy Sam is, and how family-man Quil is, and how hot-headed Paul is, and how laid-back-and-won't-speak-and-might-be-high Jared is, and how witty Embry sometimes is … really, I respect and love each and everyone of my pack unconditionally. As should all Alphas.

But right now they're all bitches and I hate them.

"HAHAHA! You told him! Then ran away – oh my god you are such a bitch!" Leah says, and she's the only one who can stop laughing, I mean, even the imprints think it's funny, even SAM thinks it's funny! THEY SHOULD CARE THEIR ALPHA IS IN PAIN!

"I don't think this is very funny," I LOVE YOU SETH! I quickly go and glomp him.

"_Thank_ you, Seth! I knew you'd understand!" I don't care if I'm tearing up! Seth is so damn cute!

"What? No; I don't care about you Jacob; this is bad for the pack."

… Um, ouch. An eleven-year-old that used to look up to me doesn't care anymore. I think my world view is shattering.

Which is why I barely notice Seth step out of my hug as I fall to the floor, and the pack had stopped laughing ….

"How is this bad for the pack, Seth?" Sam asked, and I'm surprised I can hear him over all the sobbing.

Seriously; WHO IS SOBBING SO LOUDLY!

Oh; it's me. I try and shut up, and I feel Sam's hands drag me back to my seat. Why doesn't Seth love me anymore …? … When did the table look so close-up?

Oh … I'm face-down on it.

"Well; Jacob can't say no to Edward anymore; so what if they don't want the treaty? What if they drink human blood? Jacob's our _Alpha_, we can't just say 'no' to him! And now it's like Edward's our Alpha too."

… Seth is so fucking smart. He has a point.

HANG ON A SECOND!

"FUCK! IT'S LIKE I'M EDWARD'S BITCH!" NO FUCKING WAY! I'LL TOP HIM! Just you _wait_.

* * *

Yeah, you like? ... No? Okay.

But seriously, that's all your getting from me for a while, it's nearly 'back-to-school' time and I need to ORGANISE! By the way, I like Disney! Anyone else? Even though they birthed the strange and maybe demented careers of the Jonas Brothers and Mily Cyrus, it's okay, I forgive them.

Besides, I mostly it's the Disney Renaissance ... aaand the time periods shortly before and after it. (Tell me what YOU like in a review, if you read this!) R&R! (^3^)/~333


End file.
